A Personal Reflection on Power - Daisy King
As an autistic, non-binary creative who has just finished full time vocational training I often find myself questioning power. For such an abstract idea it seems to have an inescapable hold on people, influencing their thoughts, feelings and actions, winding its way into such small things such as choosing what to order at the local coffee shop. Personally, power exists in my autonomy. The ability to make my own decisions, which will allow me to exist in the best way I can.
Being able to exercise this sort of power is something which I believe can only happen through a mixture of privilege, hard mental work and a certain resistance to societal expectations. As someone who thrives on clear, detailed instructions I had spent my whole childhood following them - things are only clear in my brain if someone else has laid out logical step-by-step’s, and for a long long time I didn’t question this. It was only when I discovered my autism had a name, halfway through my degree, that I allowed myself to begin asking more challenging questions. First about myself, my identity, and how I interact with people, then about the wider world. Being given a chance to reevaluate my life through a new lens which finally made sense was a pivotal point for me. I finally felt powerful.
Contemporary dance training itself bought up so many questions. In my previous ballet training I was expected to respect my elders, be quiet and work hard, only asking questions relevant to my understanding of a particular exercise. Suddenly, I was in a space where I was constantly encouraged to ask questions which really only led to discussions undermining the very institution encouraging it. Conversations surrounding racism, sexism, and ableism go against the very core idea of institutions which generally have deep systemic issues. Some people believe the only way we can move past this is by getting rid of institutions completely, others suggest a complete restructure and rebrand. As a white person I recognise that my ability to make my own choices, and even attend full time vocational training stems from my own privilege, which is why I believe intersectionality is so important.
Within dance training I started to question things in a new way. One of my teachers always proposed exploring what works for me and what doesn’t in choreography instead of what I like and dislike and this is a philosophy I started applying to my wider training. Before this I had accepted that I would never enjoy Gaga or any classes which involved ‘quaking’ or shaking - they always left me on the verge of a panic attack and led to an inevitable meltdown later in the day.
When I allowed myself to question the response my body was having I started giving myself permission to stop doing those things. To defy my teacher and provide myself with a space where I could choose what I participated in. I noticed that this had a huge effect on my general wellbeing. I was able to make progress in therapy and become a stronger, more grounded and confident dancer by looking after my other routines and habits.
“Personally, power exists in my autonomy. The ability to make my own decisions, which will allow me to exist in the best way I can. ”
By the time I reached third year and it was time to write my dissertation I was the happiest I have ever been. I found myself able to navigate my timetable in a way which benefited me through excessive communication with my teachers, spending time educating those around me on what a meltdown is and how I could prevent it.
This inspired me to research the neurodivergent experience of training further, and through my dissertation I found that there were many people having the same experience as me, struggling through classes in a way which didn’t work with their brain or nervous system. In my conclusion to my dissertation I spoke about how slowly an increased awareness of the hidden ablism in dance training is spreading, and it is my experience with this which has led me to my conclusion.
For me, power is autonomy. However, until the most oppressed of us are able to exercise full autonomy, power cannot truly exist positively.
Daisy King is a freelance movement artist who is interested in exploring neurodiversity in their work. @daisygking